2 years

2 years ago today our sweet Oliver was born.

2 years ago today I was still happily pregnant and had no idea what that evening would bring.

2 years ago today we lost our sweet son.

October 4th is going to be a hard day for us for the rest of our lives, but we're trying to make it a positive day as well.

We got to meet our precious little boy that day and spend some of the most sacred sweetest hours together.

This week has been so hard knowing that today was coming, and has been a week filled with emotions.

We miss Oliver SO much.

There is a notable absence in our family without him here that I am so keenly aware of everyday.

I can't wait for the day when our family can be reunited and finally feel whole again, what a wonderful day!

We long for him to still be here with us, but at the same time, if we hadn't lost him that day, we wouldn't have Penelope today.

Lots of conflicting emotions there, but it just proves that everything happens how it is supposed to.

We know that we will see Oliver again, and that he is still very much a part of our family, even if he isn't physically here with us.

We're still not sure how we're going to celebrate his birthday, Evan and I have school all day, then his mission reunion tonight.

I think afterwords we'll find somewhere to get a cupcake (or something) light some candles and celebrate that way.

It will be so sweet to include Penelope this year :).

Our children will always be aware of their older brother, what a great blessing he is to our family, and we'll always have a celebration to remember him.

I love my little man so much, and the knowledge that one day I'll be able to see him again, give him a big hug and cry as I hold and kiss him makes my heart leap with joy.

Oh how I can't wait for that day, on the hard days it's what I think about to keep me going.

I can't believe it's been two years.

But every day further from when we held him in our arms, is a day closer to when we get to see him again.

Momma loves you so much Oliver, and so does Daddy and Penelope.

I promise we'll all be together again, this life is such a short time in all of eternity, and then we'll have forever together.

Kisses and great big hugs :).

Baby Love

Penelope is 4 weeks today and I can hardly believe it!

We are so madly in love with her and smitten by every single little thing she does and sound that escapes her lips, or other parts of her body.

Some things about having a baby I expected, and some I did not....

Things I've been surprised by:

• Oh my word, the toots that come out of this girl, so loud and stinky!  Seriously, she's so tiny, I have no idea how she produces those smells.

• How much I LOVE breastfeeding! No joke!  I told Evan before she came that I knew I *should* breastfeed, and I was going to because I knew it was so much better for my girl, but if formula was just as good I'd choose that route.  I told him this assuming that I wasn't going to like breastfeeding so much, everyone just tells you how hard and awful it is.  Wrong (kind of-it is hard at first)!  People need to stop "warning" new moms how awful it's going to be.  At least for me, I love it, it's the best part of mine and Penelope's day, she is so sweet :).

• And on that note, how much she eats!  This girl was back up to her birthweight 3 days after being born, for most baby's it takes two weeks.  Proud mamma right here.

• How much I love her.  I just cannot.get.enough.  Even when she thinks it's time to be awake and play from 1 am to 5 am.  This has happened more than once.  Rough.

• How obsessed we are :).  I know we are very much first time parents, but everything she does is just incredible.  Every little look, smile, cry, coo, the way she sleeps, how she eats, everything!  She is the most amazing tiny person ever, and you'll never convince us other wise :).

• The grunting.  Haha, this girl grunts like none other.  All.the.time.  We thought at first it was just for her, ahem, bowel movements, but nope!  She just loves to grunt.

• How HARD this is.  Holy cow.  There is absolutely nothing anybody could have done while I pregnant to adequately prepare us for how hard this was going to be.  I haven't slept in 5 days.  5 DAYS!!!  I feel like a zombie and currently have the worst headache of my life.  School is horrible and so so hard with a newborn, I hate leaving her every morning so much, there are definitely tears involved.  She has her days and nights confused, and while the Pediatrician assures us she just needs to figure it out on her own, it's killing us, well mostly me, but Evan definitely suffers too.  She gets fussy, she cries, so we change her....more crying, so I feed her....more crying, so we rock her....more crying.  And then I start crying, because frankly, it's 3 a.m. and I have no idea what to do with this tiny little person who is completely dependent on me, and is clearly not happy with how I'm doing.  Ha!  Oh man, it's funny now, but I'm telling you, at 3 a.m., it is not :).

• How WONDERFUL it is!  In contrast to my last point, there is nothing anybody could have done while I pregnant to adequately prepare us for how wonderfully amazing this is.  While I may have a headache right now, she is also currently curled up on my chest, happy as can be, sleeping away.  I can hear her sweet breathing and occasional long sighs, and it just melts my heart.  Even in the early hours of the morning when there is no way she is wanting to sleep and I have to be up in an hour, I just love her.  She stares up at me with her big blue eyes, gives me a sleepy gassy smile, and I realize there's no way I would rather be sleeping right then and missing out on this.  There are no words to express how sweet each and EVERY moment with her is, it brings tears to my eyes just experiencing this joy every day.

Sappy?  Sure.  True?  Absolutely.

I know that there are tons of other things we've been surprised by, but these are what comes to mind at first.

At one month, these are the things Penelope loves:

• This girl LOVES to eat, it is absolutely her favorite thing to do.  They want them to be back up to their birth weight by two weeks, this girl hit it at 3 days.  At her two week appointment she had gained almost a pound and grown 1 1/2 inches.  I can't wait to see what her stats are at her two month appointment in November, because she is definitely putting on some weight.  She has some nice chubby cheeks, and she's getting rolls in her arms and legs, oh those legs!  So yummy.
• She loves to pee on us the second her diaper comes off, and the second you think she's done, here it comes again.  I think it's hilarious, however, Evan will no longer change her in our bed :).
• Her swing.  Judge all you want, but it's where she sleeps because that's the only way I'm getting any sleep.  So we also love her swing, love, love, love.
• Being rocked/loved on.  Most of the time, in the middle of night, if we've done everything else and she's still upset, this is why.  She just wants to be held close and loved on.  And it's the sweetest thing ever when she curls up into, lets out a long sigh, closes her eyes, and is finally happy just because she has you near.

And here is your reward for reading all that :).

First smile at momma!

She's our little buddah.

Wearing daddy's hat.

So wide awake!  Love this girl!

Taking a treat to her dad at work!

Miss Penelope Opal McBride

Welcome to the world sweet one!

Miss Penelope Opal McBride made her appearance all on her own at 1:42 a.m. on Friday, August 31st.

She was 6 lbs. 14 ounces, 19 inches long, and perfect in every way.

Needless to say we are hopelessly, head over heels, in love with her.

Once upon a time

I used to write about things OTHER than the baby or pregnancy on this blog.
And now well....just go ahead and view the last few posts.
Baby and pregnancy.
So here's a little update on everything else.
School:
Clinic is the stress of my life and bane of my existence.
Seriously.
I LOVE seeing patients, love, love, love.
I do not loving having to find said patients.
Hard, hard, hard.
So a big shout out and thank you to anyone who has come.
Seriously, you've been a life-saver, because if I don't have patients, I don't pass. :(
Currently I'm also working on 3 60 minute presentations I have to give over the next three weeks, all for the same class.
Oh yeah, and sometime in the next two weeks I'm having a baby, so uh....not really sure how that's going to work out.... :) haha, we'll see!

Every time I take x-rays I get to wear this awesome 10 lb. lead apron to protect the babe.

And every time I take it off my lab coat is nice and damp and sweaty :).

This was during a break, promise :).

Our first day seeing patients!

Oh the joys of working on Dexter.

Kristy is such a good patient! :)

Crafts:

Remember once upon a time when I used to blog about crafting as well?

This is what I have crafted/sewed this pregnancy.

One carseat cover (that I've neglected to take a picture of) for baby girl.

And that's it.

Impressive huh?

Unless you want to count my maternity skinny jeans that I've repaired on numerous occasions because the seams keep coming apart.

I choose to believe this is because of poor workmanship on the part of the original seamstress, not because of my increasing weight gain.

No joke, as I was sitting on the couch yesterday baby girl gave a nice swift kick and I felt like the button on my pants came undone.

Only I don't have a button on my maternity pants.

So after some maneuvering around the belly to gain a better view, I discovered that another seam had in fact just ripped.

Sigh.

It's not visible, so I don't think I'll be fixing that one, plus hopefully I won't be wearing them too much longer.

Baby:

Oh come on, you didn't think I wouldn't update about the baby a little bit right?

She is nice and fat and strong.

And needs to make her appearance.

She sits real nice and low.

It feels like I've been kicked in the crotch, with a steel toe boot, by someone who hates babies.

Okay, maybe that's a little exaggerated, but you get the idea.

I have seriously had the best pregnancy, and loved every second of it, but I am so excited to meet this little sweet one and maul her with kisses.

But she seems pretty comfortable where she is, and I still technically have 12 days left.

Off to do some jumping jacks.

These days

These days...

Evan makes me dinner almost every night.
I come home from class and nap almost every day instead of preparing dinner (nap while you can right?).
I roll out of bed, like a turtle on it's back.
Our laundry gets done, but seldom folded.  I despise folding laundry.
I can no longer take in a full deep breath.
Evan lives on his computer completing homework (class hasn't even started yet!) for the finance program...after he makes a delicious dinner.
People let me skip to the front of the line at public restrooms.
My desire to sew and craft far outweighs my desire to study...but I must resist.
Are filled with cleaning other peoples teeth, and I LOVE it.
Every phone call I make is answered with, "Are you having the baby?!?"
We walk around our new neighborhood, and just my right hand swells.
I am wearing my one black pair of maternity scrubs 4x/week, 4x!
I am getting so excited for Fall weather and the holidays.
We wait around for one particular little miss to show up, we wait, and wait....
Every time we drive over a speed bumper Evan calls it the baby popper, hasn't worked yet :).
My ribs are actually bruised on my right side...from the inside!
I wake up to Evan the eskimo covered in blankets and pillows because I have to have the a/c roaring every night.
My carpool buddy meets me at the hospital...just in case.
We have a carseat, in our car.  It freaks me out.
I feel happy (and stressed!) but mostly so so happy.
I rub my belly up against people on accident, I'm a lot skinnier in my head than I am in real life.

Steady she goes

Baby girl is hanging in there!
Hopefully not literally...no messing with that umbilical cord!
I had a check the next day after my L&D visit and I hadn't changed, then another check the following Tues (7/31) at my OB, and no changes!
I don't know whether to feel relieved or upset by this...
I know, I know, the longer she bakes the better, and I completely agree.
However, thinking we could meet her so soon has made me even more anxious to meet her, and after everything that happened with Oliver I feel like a huge weight will be lifted off me once she's here, like she's *finally* safe.
I have definitely LOVED my pregnancy, seriously, it's been so great, but sooooooo scary at the time just because I feel like at any moment the ball could drop and we'll end up not being able to bring home our sweet baby again.

Hmmm...that was kind of a mini downer.
Enough of that.
Baby will come (according to her own schedule of course :)), and I will take one gazillion pictures to show you.
That's an exact number.
One gazillion.
And you will all fall in love with her, because she will be the most amazing beautiful baby you've ever seen :).

Since almost all of posts lately have been baby related I thought it would be a good idea to update you on what WE'VE been doing.
Although I warn you, it's not too exciting :).

Evan is having an awesome summer off of school and has been able to fully dedicate himself to his job.
He loves it.
Evan is the hardest worker I know, thankfully he has a job he loves, and works with some of the most amazing people, including his brother.
Those McBride boys, they love each other :).
Evan tells me all the time he already has his circle of four friends, two of which are his brothers, and he doesn't need any more.
Ha.
He's so lovable he still makes friends with everyone he meets.

Ev starts school again in the Fall though, and between his work and school, and my school, oh yeah, and a NEW BABY, we are going to be swamped.
And probably really tired.
He got accepted into the Finance program at BYU (good work babe!) and starts all of his business classes this year.
Which means we only have about a year and half to go!
And then maybe dental school.....oh boy!

I am still trucking along in school too....no rest for the weary!
I had hygiene friends tell me that school was hard, but you really have no idea until you're in the thick of it.
We're seeing patients right now, and while it's super fun to actually see people, if someone cancels on you or doesn't show up you fail clinic for that day, and if that happens more than once you fail the whole class, which means you're dropped from the program, yikes!
Lots of stress to say the least.
I love what I'm doing though, and it feels so great to be going into something I love.
My grandpa always told me, "Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."
I'm sure I won't love my job everyday :), but to love it most days is pretty awesome I think.

In other happy news our anniversary is tomorrow!  Yay!
Maybe I'll be ambitious and do a separate post about that....but probably not considering it's finals week....
We celebrated on Saturday since I knew I would have finals, and we have no idea when baby girl will make her arrival.
I'm really good about bed rest outside of school and take it super easy so we knew celebrating our anniversary probably wouldn't be too exciting....
We did however go out to eat ( I know, shame on us) BUT we just went to Red Lobster, and I was sitting the whole time, and technically it's even closer to the hospital than our home, and...I needed some good shrimp yo.
And it was delicious!
Coconut shrimp, the candy of the sea.
Afterwords we came straight home :).  Evan set up our blow-up mattress in the living room (we have no t.v. in our bedroom) and we cuddled and watched a movie.
And I fell asleep.
After the movie ended we moved to the bed for real sleep (I cannot sleep without my awesome pregnancy pillow!), and Evan watched some documentary while I snored away.
Did I mention I've started snoring now?  Thank you confined lung space.
Romantic, I know :).
But really, considering all our restrictions, it was seriously an awesome anniversary.
I wouldn't change a thing :).

That's about it for now.  I'll try to keep updated on baby girl.
They told us to make it a goal to get to 35 weeks, which was last Friday!
Now the goal is to get to 36 weeks, this Friday.
And then, if I'm still pregnant (I think I will be....) I have another Dr. appointment on Tues.

L&D

Just spent the last four hours in labor and deliver.
I wasn't feeling so well last night and chalked it up to bad gas pains.
Gas pains that kept me up all.night.long.
I went to school this morning and when the pain didn't subside I decided to call my doctors office, explain my dilemma, and see what they thought.
Besides the gas pains I was feeling nauseous, my stomach muscles were sore, and I *thought* I could feel contractions, but wasn't really sure, and the discomfort seemed to always be there, so I couldn't really time them either.
After talking to the nurse, she seemed as confused as me and told me to go to L&D to be monitored.
Cue minor internal freak-out.
I am 34 weeks.
They don't stop labor after 34 weeks.
But your baby will still probably need a NICU stay of at least a couple of days.

And then there was the very real fear that they would monitor me for an hour, declare I just had gas, and send me home.
With shame and a giant hospital bill :).

Well, long story short I got there, they hooked me up and then decided to check my cervix, "just in case."
While prepping the nurse said I was probably closed up (which would be a good thing), and that it was possible I just had a UTI, or other ailment that made me feel crampy.

If you've never had a cervical check, you should, they're super fun.

4.
I was dilated to a 4.
"Four to a stretchy 5." to quote the nurse.
Um....you only dilate to a 10 when you have a baby.
I was already half way there.
The doctor said I was dilated, "pretty far" and kept saying things like, "well IF you're still pregnant tomorrow...."
Uh....okay.
Everyone was super upbeat about it, and kept saying that 34 weeks is great, but I'd still like her to cook a little while longer.

So I sat bored in the hospital getting cervical checks about every hour.
I was staying pretty stable, so they sent me home.
And here I sit.
I have another check tomorrow, and I'm sure my doctors appointments will be more frequent, but I'm happy she's staying put for the time being.
Although really, there's no telling how long that will be.
A few weeks, days, or even hours.
Yikes.

Looks like we're off to install a carseat and pack hospital bags.

P.S. Mini confession-One of the many reasons I am happy she (so far) isn't coming today, I haven't showered in like three days and we're not even going to discuss how long it's been since I've shaved.....I better add that to the list to do tonight.