Three years.

It has been three years since Oliver was born.

I can hardly believe it.

It feels like just last night that I was holding him in my arms, kissing his cheeks wet with my tears, and telling him how much we loved him.

Yet it feels like forever since my arms have felt the weight of his sweet little body or my lips have caressed his smooth baby skin.

I can't believe I've survived three years without him.

The day we lost him I thought there was no way I wouldn't die of heartache.

There was no way I could live knowing he had died.

Not only have I survived, but I have been greatly blessed.

I am no longer encompassed in grief, sorrow, and heartache (most days).

In fact, each day I find myself surrounded by enormous blessings, love greater that I have ever felt, and true joy.

To say that I still miss him terribly though feels so inadequate.

Everyday I think about him, I miss him, I long to have him here in our home.

I long to be suffering through temper tantrums, potty training, and the defiance of a three year old.

That's the hardest part for me.

I know he is with our Heavenly Father, I know he is happy, but selfishly I mourn over the loss of our hopes and dreams and what-could-have-beens.

Want to know a secret?

I have an older who passed away when he was born, similarly to Oliver, his name was Eric.

When I was younger I wasn't raised in the gospel, but I did have the desire to pray every night.

And so, every night, at the end of my prayers, I would ask Heavenly Father, 

"Can I please talk to Eric now?"

And then I would wait a moment (you know, so God could go get Eric :), and I would talk to him, and tell him how much I loved and missed him, and how fun I thought it would be to have an older brother, but I knew he was watching over me.

I still might do the same thing with Oliver sometimes.

I am fully aware that is probably not how prayer really works, and Oliver is busy doing amazing things up there, but...it makes me feel better :).

Olivers birthday this year went okay.

I have noticed some years are better than others.

His first birthday was actually really peaceful for us, on his second it was the first time celebrating with Penelope and because of that the pain was definitely lessened by having her there with us.

Not that she is a replacement for him, but she just makes us happy :).

This year was harder for me, I think because I lost some eternal perspective and really allowed the grief to wash over me.

This was good and bad, it was good to allow myself to feel what I needed to feel, but I needed to keep perspective.

Like that his loss was not for nothing.

He is happy.

This trial has brought Evan and I closer and forced us to lean on each other and the Lord, this has been amazing for our marriage.

I am able to be more empathetic to others going through similar trials.

We are better parents to Penelope because of Oliver.

And most importantly, we can still be with him FOREVER!

Instead of thinking of these things, I mourned over the could-have-beens and spent most of the night crying in the bathroom.

I have no idea why, but this is my crying place.

I should probably find a more sanitary one :).

This of course ended with puffy eyes and a massive headache.

Evan, as always, came to my rescue and was able to remind me of all the wonderful things.

And then I snuck into Penelope room, saw her sleeping sound, and was immediately overwhelmed with gratitude.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so much, and although I am perfectly allowed to be sad over the loss of our sweet Oliver, I am not allowed to forget all the wonderful things that have occurred because/and in spite of this loss.

The whole evening wasn't so tragic though :).

I made him a cake, we sang happy birthday, and Penelope dove in as we were trying to take pictures.

She was thrilled.

I am happy Penelope will have Oliver to talk to as she falls asleep and to watch over her.

What a lucky little sister.

What lucky parents we are to have them both!

Mothers Day

This was the best Mothers Day I have ever had.
It really takes on a new meaning when you have children of your own, and you're not just celebrating your mom.
Although, my mom definitely deserves celebrating as well.

My first Mother's Day as a mom was right after Oliver had passed, I have a whole separate post about that, but it was difficult.  I was still able to find happiness in that day, and I am so grateful for that, but it's not like when you get to actually spend Mother's Day WITH your child.
My second Mother's Day I was pregnant with Penelope, and I was so excited to be able to celebrate being a mom to Oliver and this sweet child I was carrying.  But....I was still terrified.
This Mother's Day, my third Mother's Day of being a mom has been indescribable.  Seriously, I have the most wonderful family.  Evan spoils me, and not just on Mother's Day, every.single.day.  He makes me feel loved, cherished, and like the most special person on the planet.  And the beautiful thing is, he does the same for Penelope.
He bought me roses.  He used to buy me flowers, like plant flowers, but I had to ask him to stop because I keep killing them :(.  If we ever have a garden, I definitely will not be the one tending it, and not because I don't want to (I love working outside), but because those poor fruits and veggies will have no hope with me as their caregiver.
On Saturday we went to Kneaders and I got FREE french toast (oh yeah!), and then we went shopping and I got a new outfit.
Sunday we went to church and for Relief Society we chatted and ate cheesecake.  Or rather, everyone else chatted and ate cheesecake.  Penelope had a meltdown because everyone was eating cheesecake without her and she couldn't have any.  This girl LOVES food.  So to keep her from grabbing and smashing everyone's food we had to go out in the foyer where there was no delicious dessert.  And there we sat, my baby and I, and we played and "chatted" with just us.  We have some amazing women in our ward, but there's no one I would have rather been chatting with than my girl.

Penelope is 8 1/2 months now.
Eight and a half freaking months.
When did that happen!?!?
Can one of you experienced moms please tell me where the time went? Did it disappear in the drying in her socks or what?
And here's what a genius my baby is:
She can clap and wave bye-bye.
She stands, sits down, crawls, and walks all around our furniture, AND she's even starting to stand all by herself!
She loves, loves, loves food.  But not so much her own, mostly mine and Evans...or anyone elses.
TODAY she cut her first tooth!!!!  Seriously proud soon-to-be dental hygienist mommy here.  My baby is amazing at growing teeth.
She repeats wa-wa-wa and ba-ba-ba over and over, this girl loves to talk.  I keep saying ma-ma-ma-ma hoping to convince her that's what she really needs to be saying, so far it's a no-go.


I love being a mom to this girl, and I know I wouldn't be near as great of mom to her without first being a mom to Oliver.
How did I get two such great kids?!  I am of course just assuming Oliver is pretty great, but I mean he's in Heaven, how much greater can you get, right?
Penelope is wonderful.
I love that she cries when I leave the room, get's excited and crawls super fast to me when I come home, snuggles me, gives me kisses, and looks for me wherever she is.
She is my best little girlfriend.

This free photo slideshow created with Smilebox

Love is in the air.

I'm obsessed.

This girl is too sweet for words, so I just covered her in kisses.

Happy Valentines from the McBride Family....well Penelope really, Evan wasn't keen on the idea of me covering him in red kisses, taking photos, and then posting it for the world to see.

I still can't figure out why.

I made three versions, but the last is definitely my favorite.

Which one do you love most?  

It's okay if you can't choose, she makes it hard.

                                       

Date night

Date night went a little something like this last week.

Arrive at Station 22.

Sit this little sweet pea in a high chair for the first time.

Such a big girl!

She starts to fuss, so I pick her up and notice a poop stain on her blanket.

Sick!  We brought a dirty blanket.

Then I notice the poop on her blanket had smeared off onto her cardigan.

We order our food and drinks.

Notice the poop stain on her cardigan seems to be getting....bigger....???

So I lift up her cardigan and see this:

!!!

Uh....

So I tell Evan I figured out where the poop on her blanket came from and show him.

Big eyes, and lots of laughter.

I go to the bathroom to try and change her, but...there's no changing table stand...

So I lock myself in the handicap bathroom, put her poop stained blanket over my lap, lay her down, and attempt to change my kicking 5 month olds diaper without getting poop all over myself, or dropping her onto her head on the tile floor.

There I sat, on the toilet, covered in poop.

Call me a bad mom, but we had already ordered our food, so I put a paper towel between her back and the onsie, covered it with the cardigan, tried to find a non poopy part of the blanket, wrapped her in it, and walked back to the table.

Oh, and lets not forget the part where I washed my hands...and arms...like 5 times.

Then we continued dinner like this.

My root beer and sweet potato fries.

Our s'mores dessert.

Finished dessert, headed home, and gave that poor girl a bath.

Then I hopped in shower.

Being a mom.

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.

When I was little and thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up, it was always a mom.

And I wanted 3 kids by the time I was 21.  Ha!

When your 7, 21 seems pretty old okay?  I wasn't even married by the time I was 21, so that just goes to show how that childhood dream panned out :).

But being a mom, that one is definitely real now, and it is the best thing ever.

I've been a mom since the moment we found out we were going to have Oliver.

And I was still a mom even after we lost him.

But being a mom to child you can't hold in your arms doesn't feel like being a mom.

I felt strange celebrating mothers day, I wasn't not a mom, but I didn't have my child to show that I was a mom.  It felt like I was in limbo, and like people were letting me believe I was a mom, even though in their eyes maybe I wasn't *really*.

I hadn't put in the hard work of long nights with no sleep, temper tantrums, or potty training, and after all, isn't that what mom's do?

No.

To me, a mom has nothing to do with those things.

A mom doesn't even have to carry a child in her tummy to be a mom, and some moms that do, are not moms at all.

A mom loves her child fiercely.  

She protects them with every fiber of her being.

A mom wants only the very best for her child, she wants them to know the deepest joys and happiness.

And one day, all moms let their children go, to live their own lives, and fulfill their own missions.

I have done all these things for Oliver.

And I also do them for Penelope.

Because I am her mom.

And now, everyone recognizes that I am a mom, they see me with my baby, and kindly smile back.

I've entered into the realm of sleepless nights, blow out diapers, bath time, gummy grins, and happy giggles.

But I know I am no more a mom now, than I was two years ago.

I love my babies, and I love being a mom, more than I could have ever comprehended.

I did not know true joy until I was mom.

And I never realized how deeply I love Evan until I saw him be a dad.

And that's the truth.

Anatomy of a sleepless night.

How my nights were pre baby:

Come home, hang out with hubby.
Eat dinner I had spent the evening preparing.
Do homework.
Go to bed.
Watch one (or three) episodes of our current show, over the summer it was Monk (love!).
Go to bed.
Sleep wonderfully for hours on end.


How my nights are post baby:

Come home, snuggle baby, hug and kiss hubby.
Feed baby.
Eat dinner that one of us has managed to throw together one handed while holding Penelope, this has included grocery store fried chicken, left overs, ramen, etc.
Feed baby.
Snuggle Penelope while Evan does homework.
Hand off Penelope.
Get as much homework/study time in as possible before it's my turn for the baby again.
Give Penelope her bath, we love this time of night :).
Feed baby.
Rub down with lotion and put on pj's...Penelope of course, not me (I wish).
Read bedtime story, she hates this, but one day, she will love it.
Rock baby.
Put on white noise.
Bounce baby.
Shhhhhhh....baby.
Put Penelope down for bed.
She wakes up.

Repeat the last 6 steps 5 times until she finally decides to fall asleep.
Cry....me and Penelope.
Walk the halls, endlessly.
Fall into bed from sheer exhaustion.
Wake up one hour later.
Feed baby.
Baby finally sleeps.

Wake up feeling lucky and blessed to have maybe gotten two consecutive hours of sleep.
Snuggle baby.
Kiss on this face.

Say my morning prayer of gratitude.

Wouldn't trade these nights for the world.

Just don't ask me until morning or I might be tempted :).

6 weeks!

I cannot believe my baby is 6 weeks old!

She is growing so fast!

We are so in love with this girl, and just like her, it grows every day!

We decided to take weekly pictures with her and her "Penny Princess" bear, and watch her get bigger each week.

Here's the first 6 weeks of our dear daughters wonderful life.

Week One:

I may have totally forgotten to take the bear pictures the second week :(.

But here's some other pictures from her second week of life.

Week Three:

 Week Four:

Week Five:

Week Six:

She is definitely getting chunkier!

At 6 weeks Penelope loves to 

eat

grunt

smile!

show us how strong her neck and legs are

grab at our shirts/arms/hair

stare at lights

makes eye contact with us

love to have her head bobbled

hates tummy time and 

loves laying in bed with us every morning

She is such a joy to have around, and we are mesmerized by every little thing she does and milestone he hits.

Such a doll!