Three years.

It has been three years since Oliver was born.

I can hardly believe it.

It feels like just last night that I was holding him in my arms, kissing his cheeks wet with my tears, and telling him how much we loved him.

Yet it feels like forever since my arms have felt the weight of his sweet little body or my lips have caressed his smooth baby skin.

I can't believe I've survived three years without him.

The day we lost him I thought there was no way I wouldn't die of heartache.

There was no way I could live knowing he had died.

Not only have I survived, but I have been greatly blessed.

I am no longer encompassed in grief, sorrow, and heartache (most days).

In fact, each day I find myself surrounded by enormous blessings, love greater that I have ever felt, and true joy.

To say that I still miss him terribly though feels so inadequate.

Everyday I think about him, I miss him, I long to have him here in our home.

I long to be suffering through temper tantrums, potty training, and the defiance of a three year old.

That's the hardest part for me.

I know he is with our Heavenly Father, I know he is happy, but selfishly I mourn over the loss of our hopes and dreams and what-could-have-beens.

Want to know a secret?

I have an older who passed away when he was born, similarly to Oliver, his name was Eric.

When I was younger I wasn't raised in the gospel, but I did have the desire to pray every night.

And so, every night, at the end of my prayers, I would ask Heavenly Father, 

"Can I please talk to Eric now?"

And then I would wait a moment (you know, so God could go get Eric :), and I would talk to him, and tell him how much I loved and missed him, and how fun I thought it would be to have an older brother, but I knew he was watching over me.

I still might do the same thing with Oliver sometimes.

I am fully aware that is probably not how prayer really works, and Oliver is busy doing amazing things up there, but...it makes me feel better :).

Olivers birthday this year went okay.

I have noticed some years are better than others.

His first birthday was actually really peaceful for us, on his second it was the first time celebrating with Penelope and because of that the pain was definitely lessened by having her there with us.

Not that she is a replacement for him, but she just makes us happy :).

This year was harder for me, I think because I lost some eternal perspective and really allowed the grief to wash over me.

This was good and bad, it was good to allow myself to feel what I needed to feel, but I needed to keep perspective.

Like that his loss was not for nothing.

He is happy.

This trial has brought Evan and I closer and forced us to lean on each other and the Lord, this has been amazing for our marriage.

I am able to be more empathetic to others going through similar trials.

We are better parents to Penelope because of Oliver.

And most importantly, we can still be with him FOREVER!

Instead of thinking of these things, I mourned over the could-have-beens and spent most of the night crying in the bathroom.

I have no idea why, but this is my crying place.

I should probably find a more sanitary one :).

This of course ended with puffy eyes and a massive headache.

Evan, as always, came to my rescue and was able to remind me of all the wonderful things.

And then I snuck into Penelope room, saw her sleeping sound, and was immediately overwhelmed with gratitude.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so much, and although I am perfectly allowed to be sad over the loss of our sweet Oliver, I am not allowed to forget all the wonderful things that have occurred because/and in spite of this loss.

The whole evening wasn't so tragic though :).

I made him a cake, we sang happy birthday, and Penelope dove in as we were trying to take pictures.

She was thrilled.

I am happy Penelope will have Oliver to talk to as she falls asleep and to watch over her.

What a lucky little sister.

What lucky parents we are to have them both!