Good days and bad days.

It seems over the past six weeks since Oliver's birth I have good days and bad days. The good days have been becoming more and more frequent, and the bad days fewer and farther in between, but today is one of the bad days, or maybe just hard days. I don't know what it is that distinguishes a good day from a hard day, but man, the hard days are hard. I spent most of the night thinking about Oliver and my little sister, who's also going through a hard time right now. I miss Oliver a lot, especially when I see other pregnant women or a newborn. I was sitting at Evan's basketball game on Thursday and about burst into tears in front of the entire gym because two women in front of me were talking about how hard pregnancy is, the aches and pains that come with it, and another was talking about how much harder it gets with having a new baby that cries all the time and not being able to get any sleep. I would love to have such complaints. I was able to excuse myself in time and just cry in the hallway.

I know I blog a lot about Oliver lately, but really, I feel like he's such a huge part of my life, and his passing is what I'm dealing with right now. Being able to write and blog about what's going on and how I'm feeling is a huge help for me, even if no one's reading :). I know other people have gone or (heaven forbid) may go through similar experiences, or a trial of any sort, and it helps so much to know you're not the only one. I want to be real with what's happening and what I'm feeling, not pretend every thing's hunky dory, because maybe my experiences can help someone else out. Yes, somedays I'm strong and feel like I can do this, and somedays I just want to sit in my bed wallowing my sorrow and just cry and cry. Today is a wallow and cry day :). I don't actually indulge myself and I'm not laying in bed, or crying, but I want to, so instead of focusing on that, I'm going to make a little list of the things I'm grateful for, after all, it is that time of year :).

• First and foremost, my AMAZING husband, who always makes my good days great and my hard days better, even when he doesn't know I'm having one :). LOVE YOU!
• Warm clothes right from the dryer.
• Planes that enable me to travel all over the world in just a few hours.
• My health.
• Modern technology
• Door locks-turns out my self defense class made me very paranoid
• Blog comments and followers, it's nice knowing I'm just talking to myself here, haha :)
• Art and music, few things seem to touch the soul so exactly
• General Conference, especially this past one
• My son Oliver, whom one day I will get to raise and see grow into a wonderful man like his father.
• Dark chocolate truffles, seriously, these are heaven on earth.
• Getting the mail and finding a card or letter, not just bills.
• Saturday mornings sleeping in :)
• The smell of vanilla
• Brownie batter straight from the bowl
• Little kids laughter
• Hair dye and make-up, I have them to thank for ever getting married haha
• Warm showers
• The sound of rain
• Pumpkin pie and eggnog

I think I'd better stop the list there before I get too carried away. There's so much more I'm thankful for, and I'm so excited for this holiday season, to be able to spend time with family, and to have my own eternal family.