BIRTHDAYS and such :)

First and foremost....HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my AMAZING hubby....4 days late :), BUT if it's worth anything we were having way too much on his actual birthday and the weekend following to take time out to blog, and so here we are 4 days late :). He turned the big 2-4 (finally as old as his awesome wifey :)). On Thursday we went to dinner with all his siblings at Red Robin to celebrate the day and it was SUCH FUN! Seriously, I LOVE those people, salt of the earth. After dinner we came back to our (tiny) apartment and ate some yummy cake! :)

I somehow convinced Evan to go away for the weekend following his birthday. I very much needed some time away from our lives here in Provo, not that they're not great (we're SO blessed in every way!) but....I wanted to get Evan away from his computer, school, work, and I needed a mini vaca, to get myself away from all the dang sadness and to really remember what things were like before all this tragedy hit us. Although we love and are so grateful for our sweet little boy (wouldn't trade him for the WORLD)...we needed some time to rediscover "us" and remember, "oh yeah, we're awesome together." Evan is my absolute best friend, and this past weekend was a perfect manifestation of that. We ate at Ruth's Chris on friday night, oh.my.gosh. it was HEAVEN on a plate, seriously, if you've never been, find the one nearest to you and run there! Hefty price for one meal (yikes!) but soooooo worth it if you're only doing it like once a year. Then we stayed friday night at Little America. There's just something about not sleeping in your house, or having to worry about making your bed or cleaning the house on saturday that's WONDERFUL! On Saturday Evan went with one of his mission buddies to the TCU v. Utah game (poor Utes) and I went shopping with my sister. We came back Saturday night and just sat at home and relaxed the rest of the weekend, and of course went to church on Sunday :).

Birthday boy with his cake.

Um, just in case you're wondering...yes, I actually MADE that cake. Unbelievable I know, but true :).

Had to get the trick candles.

And for the next birthday (sort of)....our sweet little Oliver would have turned one month the same day his daddy turned 24. We love and miss him tons. I still get teary eyed talking about him and actually made a couple of women cry with me in Relief Society this past Sunday, what a spectacle we were! Three bawling women, I'm sure people were wondering what on earth was wrong with us...oh well. Which brings me to another topic...what people think. It seems to me, as I've been going through everything with Oliver, that people have a certain time line that they've set for you. They think (and I've been guilty of this too), "oh *such and such* happened *a certain amount of time* ago, they should be over it (or feeling better) by now" for example, "Oliver passed away over a month ago, Savannah shouldn't be this sad, or crying, or upset, or *insert whatever else you want here* still" Like I said, I'm not innocent here, and we all have our own judgements on what is normal, but really, who's to say what is normal for anyone else? Everyone deals with things differently and in their own time (there are extremes where concern is merited though). All I have to say it put yourself in their shoes. Okay, getting off my soap box.

I made Oliver a little shadow box that we put in his room :). Really it's more for me than him. It's really hard to feel like a mom in a situation like this. I carried our little boy, loved him, anticipated his arrival, and now....no baby boy. I AM a mom, I know this, but sometimes it's just hard to ~feel~ that way, and so the shadow box. We got some amazing things for Oliver from the hospital, and I didn't want them to eventually be put in a box in the attic and so....they go in the shadow box. I think this is something I'll want to do for all of my children with their hospital things too, but for now, here's Olivers':

The whole thing with the hospital gown and blanket they put him in, his birth card, a picture of us as a family, his sweet hand and foot prints, the hand and foot molds they made him, and the soap they gave me to bathe him with, along with both of our hospital bracelets.

The cutest thing ever!

LOVE those tiny toes and fingers :).

To end the post I wanted to update you on our meeting we had with the Perinatologist (specialist OBGYN, sort of). We hadn't gotten any definite answers of why this happened to us, and we were hoping maybe she could shed some light on the situation...not so much. Her and my regular OB had reviewed the cultures and labs and everything the hospital did during the delivery and came up with zilch. Nothing. Absolutely no definite reason as to what on earth happened or why. It really was a double edged sword, because on one hand it's frustrating because if we don't know for sure what happened, how are we supposed to prevent it from happening again? But on the other hand if there's not something that was definitely wrong with me, my body, or the baby, then it really was sort of a "fluke" thing. She verified my feelings and told us it was a good thing that they couldn't give us any answers as to what for sure caused it, because that made the chances of it happening again a lot slimmer. HOWEVER, I'm still high risk for every single pregnancy from here on out. Which I'm fine with, I prefer to be monitored very closely, which is exactly what they're going to do. So here's the consensus of what we're doing and going to have to do. I still have to go get more blood work done, she really doesn't think there's anything wrong with my blood (like a clotting disease), but she wants to just make sure. IF there is something up with my blood, I can still have another baby, I'll just have to give myself a shot about three times a day, every day, for my next pregnancy (sounds fun huh?). I also have to go get a special ultrasound in two months where they put a dye in my uterus and then look at it to make sure my uterus is in good shape too. From all the tests and what I told her about my delivery, she doesn't think the uterus is an issue either, which is great. Okay, so when I do become pregnant again I'll be seeing her and my regular OB. After about 12 weeks (first tri) I'll see the specialist for an ultrasound where she'll check on everything. Then from week 16 on I'll be seeing her every week or so to check me and the baby. She'll keep an eye on me and measure my cervix, IF it starts to shorten (which could be part of what was wrong this time) they'll put a stitch in it until I deliver, which means surgery for me. Also I'll have to take progesterone my next pregnancy either with a shot or suppository every week. Not to mention my Rhogam shot I'll have at least twice as well. Whew, I think that's the gist of it. Hopefully you were able to follow, and if not, I'm open to questions :). So, long story short, I'll be kept a close eye on, along with the baby. I'm not going to lie, all the talks of shots, and ultrasounds, and like 100 doctors visits, had my head spinning, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep me and my little one in perfect condition so that this next time we can bring our little one home with us :). Honestly, the whole feel of the doctors visit was so positive. She was so hopeful, and told us we would for sure be able to still have children, probably without any issues for either of us, but they were still going to monitor me and the baby closely. She was so kind in telling us that this was such a bad situation, and it's fine to still be sad, and cry (which I did), and that this was hard and would take time to deal with. She made sure I was doing good too, eating and sleeping and such (I am :)). Evan and I talked about everything after the appointment and we both just feel at peace and like our next pregnancy will be fine. Really, we're prepared for whatever the Lord has in store for us and will accept His plan fully, but we truly believe we'll do great and the baby will do great this next time around (whenever that will be). I still cry and miss him terribly, some days are better than others, but everyday I feel a little better, and the Lord has comforted me, and helped me to remember I'll see him again so soon, just to be patient.

We're happy, we're healthy, we're healing.